Put Your Dukes Up!
I fight with myself daily thanks to my anxiety
Having anxiety or other mental health issues in today's world is like a badge of honor. Last month was National Mental Health Month. I am very thankful that society is finally bringing normality to mental health illnesses. I think it truly helps those who would not have sought out help years ago.
We've come a long way from my wife is a "hysterical female" let's stick her in an institute or asylum so no one will know about her "condition.” Men were deemed eccentric while women were hysterical, which seems fair (I’m hoping you sense the heavy sarcasm in the air).
After my separation from my now ex-husband, I went to see a counselor. It was in her office that I realized I had been mentally abused for years. I obviously knew that he had physically abused me on several occasions, but mentally? I wasn't sold on that idea at first.
She gave me some homework and some pamphlets to read that contained stories from other domestic violence survivors.
Like a proverbial light bulb popping on over my head to illuminate the cobweb-covered recesses of my brain, I finally saw it.
I HAD been mentally abused.
I am an intelligent, educated woman. I could spot someone being abused a mile away. How did I not see this was happening to me? How did I allow him to manipulate me that way?
Here I am five years later and I still sometimes fight with myself to do simple tasks, like making a phone call.
I still cower when someone speaks loudly or shouts. If someone makes a loud noise I will jump sky high and quiver in fear.
In the first real argument I had with my boyfriend, he raised his voice at me and made a sudden movement. I flinched and shrank away from him. I emotionally shut down.
The good thing is that the fight ended. He felt so bad about my reaction he teared up and said he needed to learn how to work through things with me.
The bad thing is we still dance around issues because we don't know how to work through things without triggering my PTSD. I had stopped going to my counsellor before I made any real progress in my treatment.
This also has led to my dead bedroom situation that I’ve done nothing to help resolve. He doesn't initiate and I no longer initiate either because I can't handle the rejection.
I have convinced myself it's because my past sexual experiences disgust him and I'm undesirable as a life partner. I'm just the girl you use as a fuck doll. I also was sure it had something to do with the weight I gained but I've lost that plus a few more pounds. I weigh less now than when we started dating.
I can come up with a thousand scenarios in my head of why it's my fault that he doesn't want me.
- I fight with myself daily not to use my past experiences as an excuse to shut down and become a hermit. Hermitess? Who knows.
- I fight with myself daily not to let my ex-husband's traits taint how I see my partner. They aren't the same in any way.
- I fight with myself daily to convince myself I'm not some horrendous wildebeest that doesn't deserve to be loved.
- I fight with myself daily not to become a victim and allow my thoughts and insecurities to rule my life.
I fight with myself daily to sit and put pen to paper. To author something, anything. Even if it's absolutely shitty. Sometimes it just hurts too much to write down my feelings, because it might mean I would have to deal with them.
I try to wrestle my life back from anxiety, but it is a fight. One I fight every day.
