My Sex is Not My Own
In a breakthrough moment, I realized I want to own my sex again
Like many young girls growing up, my mother taught sex was for marriage only. Sex was a duty proffered to your husband, not for your pleasure, but his. It was immoral to have sex outside of the marriage bed; sex is a four-letter word, sex is yucky.
To this day, I have hang-ups with sex and morality. I, for years, thought I was going to “hell” because I had sex with more than one person and only one of those I married.
I know to keep my sex private for fear of slut-shaming. It’s amazing the audacity of people who will judge you if you have sex. This when sex is one of the most natural things in the world to do, like breathing, eating, or sleeping. This is especially true if you are a woman.
I know, I know, the double standard is always discussed. It wouldn’t be discussed if it wasn’t a double standard, though, would it?
As far as my mother’s opinions on sex and marriage, I outwardly rebuked this thought process and freely gave my sex away as a teenager. She would have been disappointed and thoroughly disgusted in me if she had known. Even as I acted out and was free-loving, the shame I would feel afterward was at times overwhelming. I still cannot, and I mean I cannot talk dirty during sex unless I’m drinking. It’s so unladylike, so immoral, just disgusting, or so I can hear my mother saying in my head.
My sex is not my own.
It has always been for others. I wanted to be liked or loved, so I gave them what they wanted. I enjoyed sex, and I wanted sex, a lot of sex. I’ve always had a high sex drive. I’ve never met a man I couldn’t keep up with, if you know what I mean. But sex was never my own. I made sure they were taken care of but rarely did anyone make sure I was satisfied. My sex was for them, not for me.
My now ex-husband took years before he put effort into giving me an orgasm. I’d say we were married for a good 5 or 7 years. It gets a little blurry. The years ran together. I know that the first time he performed oral sex was well after our second child was born.
My sex is not my own.
Even though he was now working on finding ways to bring me to orgasm, my sex was still not my own. It was all about his ego now — his mission to prove his prowess, how good he was in bed. My orgasm was his trophy. It had nothing to do with my fulfillment.
My sex was finally my own. I found my sex with my affair partner. He found joy in pleasing me. He would get so excited knowing that I was getting mine and owning my sex. I glowed. I was confident. I felt no shame or guilt.
I finally owned my sex.
It was mine to use, and it was mine to give to who I wanted to give it to. I was no longer told who I was to offer it to.
Fast forward to the present day with my partner. I no longer own my sex again. How did I allow this to happen???? I am once again ashamed of my sex. I am once again at the mercy of a person who shows no interest or respect for my sex. He has shamed me because I was open and communicated about my past. I allowed myself to be vulnerable.
I no longer own my sex.
He owns it because I allowed him to get in my head and taint it. And I now masturbate in secrecy.
My sex is not my own.
